Life Evaluation Part I

Ummm, yeah it's Elvis here. Calvin, sorry to invade your blog, but I wrote this whole rant on my own blog and when I was just about to publish it, I realised that I didn't want to put it up on my blog. It's a bloody long post so I didn't want to just delete it. So here goes:

"As I have had more than enough time these past few days to reflect on everything - my life: past, present and future - I realised that it leaves more questions that answers. It's funny how one moment, all the pieces of the puzzle seem to fit so perfectly, fitting and slotting where they are meant to be, to create a picture of completeness. Then at the blink of an eye, those pieces don't fit so well anymore, and the edges just seem sharp and jagged. Well, my life is a bit like that at the moment, but it feels like I'm losing more and more of the puzzle parts day by day. Yes, coming here is supposed to open me to unlimited opportunity; yes, I should be meeting tonnes of people and getting very involved in the whole uni life; yes, it's the perfect time for me to experience new things and I have a whole city out there to explore.

But what do I do instead? None of those things . . . it's not that I don't want to. I'm just victim of a horrible attribute of personality - I just can't be BOTHERED. I'm sure those of you who know me well also know that I'm not a very outdoorsy type of person - I'm really not into seeing the tourist attractions (I haven't even been to Buckingham Palace yet - saw it at the beginning of the year and once was enough). And the whole getting involved with uni - travelling an hour and bit each way to uni does nothing to improve my mood so as soon as my classes are finished, I just wanna leave.

I'm trying hard not to sound like a snob, but I'm not even gonna bother introducing myself to people with whom I know I wouldn't be friends - why impart so many words on someone who I wouldn't even glance at if I was back in Sydney? I had a few of those meaningless conversations already in my classes and I really don't wanna repeat my life story one more time. It seems silly to try and be friends with someone just because circumstance just so happens to put you in the same place as the other person, especially if you have nothing in common and every word that comes out of your mouth as part of your conversation has to be carefully articulated to hid the huge undertones of boredom and indifference. And so far, I haven't met anyone who I can see as a genuine friend. I don't know if it's the English accent or whatever, but a lot of the people in my classes seem like they have a pole shoved up their backside - that just gets me so annoyed and when I get annoyed . . . hahaha best beware. I think it comes down to the all-important "click" factor. There needs to be that initial "click" for me to bond with someone - hahaha I remember having this conversation with someone when we were discussing guys but I guess it works with friends too. If I have to actually consciously think of what I am going to say next when I'm speaking with someone I just met, then I know it won't work. If there isn't that initial flow, then it ain't happening. I'm not being fussy but that I think I'm just too old to keep up appearances. I'm not here to impress anyone . . . Some of you might say that I am taking a very cynical approach to all of this but I'm a very paranoid person so I'm sick of being made to feel that I'm being judged, especially by people I meet for the very first time. It might sound weird, but it's very hard for me to be "me" around people. I feel like I have to put on this act and I know that it makes me a very boring person as I am very guarded with what I say and how I behave.

Actually I think I can pinpoint exactly why I feel so crabby - nearly a month here now and I have only really bought two things. Being in London and not being able to spend . . . I feel as useless as someone who has had all their limbs cut off and tossed into the ocean. I don't think I can handle studying and working while I'm over here, so that seriously hinders my ability to carry out an activity which defines my life and is the whole point of my existence.

I can't wait for this year to be over and done with, so my life can once again be returned to normality."

When people are bored, it is primarily with their own selves that they are bored.
- Eric Hoffer